We all have dreamed about the glorious road trip. The one where we throw a few backpacks into the trunk of the cheapest rental car money can buy and then jetting off into the countryside with a few of your closest friends. You’ll pass iconic landmarks, stunning landscapes and of course, get yourself into the occasional mishap.
I always felt that James May, Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear are living symbols of the iconic road trip. Three friends with too much time and money, going off and milking the most out of each trip despite the mishaps and misfortunes.
Well as it turns out, I had signed up for the most Top Gear experience of my life. It started with a serendipitous meeting of two other German travelers. For the sake of privacy, we’ll call them Fritz and John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt or John for short.
John (left), Fritz (right)
Things Always Comes in Threes
In true Top Gear tradition, we had decided to make our own group of three, our own Holy Trinity. This glorious road trip would start in the bustling city of Chiang Mai and lead us 150 km on motorbikes to the mountain village of Pai, a little backpackers retreat. We decided to start our adventure the next day at 7:30 A.M so we could reach the rental company nice and early. This would allow for a leisurely pace through the winding roads that lead to Pai.
Well, it’s 7:30 A.M as I roll up bleary-eyed to Fritz and John’s hostel. I find Fritz finishing packing up all of his belongings, but John is nowhere in sight. An hour later, John rolls up in an uber, hungover, and scrambles to pack his belongings. He had met a Thai girl and spent the night clubbing.
I figure the day can only get better from here.
A Great Start to the Day
By the time we reach the rental agency, fill out the paperwork, and opt for some rental insurance, it’s 9:30. Unlike western rental companies, you don’t need to return your rental with a full tank. First order of business is to find a gas station in the cramped city of Chiang Mai. Could we have asked the rental company where the nearest gas station was? Or perhaps defaulted to the omniscient Google? Nah, we can figure this out on our own.
So, we promptly get lost and have to seek out some locals to literally draw us a map to the nearest gas station. But during one of these turns, John cranks down on the accelerator and sends his bike sliding as it flies out from under him. He skids across the pavement and is already banged up.
I figure the day can only get better from here.
John, on the other hand, is wondering how this day could get any worse. He’s already scraped up, bleeding from his knees and elbows due to an elementary driving mistake. Fortunately for him, we have to ignore his wounds and get to a desperately-needed gas station.
Once we are topped off, we pull into the nearest restaurant for a quick bite to eat and to address his wounds. The bewildered restaurant staff can’t help but stare as three foreigners use their restaurant as a makeshift hospital. Their bewilderment turns into amusement as they realize what had happened, and they watch with small grins on their faces. They don’t seem to mind us providing medical aid in their restaurants since we’re patrons.
With John patched up and our bellies full, we can continue the trip.
You can see the staff staring at us in the background
Accident Count: 1
Total distance traveled: 0.8 km.
The Life of Pai
We navigate through Chiang Mai’s traffic, cautiously not opting to weave through the cars due to the bad omens already present. But as the road open up, euphoria and excitement take over as we blast through the country roads.
We overtake and race each other, marvel at the lush mountains, and holler and scream with euphoria as we reach the quintessential essence of the road trip. We stop at a coffee shop overlooking a valley and viewed a waterfall just off the road. The day is finally going our way.
Way too confident
The straight roads eventually begin to lose their luster and as they do, Pai’s windy roads take their place. Switchbacks, giant inclines and declines, and sharp 90 degree turns become a common sight. There are an infamous 726 curves on this road to Pai. A challenging road but its difficulties pale to our newfound confidence. We make these turns at a breakneck pace, trying to keep up with the cars that pass us.
But then it all changes. It begins to rain. The sunny, dry winding roads become slick and friction-less, daring us to keep speeding. And in our hubris, we did exactly that. Buoyed by the adrenaline and confidence from the last few hours, we keep speeding along these winding roads despite the deteriorating weather and pavement. We’re confident experienced drivers after all. Fritz has a motorcycle back at home, I’ve driven previously in Vietnam and John…. has driven once before.
Before I know it, John takes a turn too sharply his bike skids out from under him again. Rather than skid along the pavement like the first fall, he hits the pavement hard.
Approximate distance traveled: 90 km.
Accident count: 2
Worn Down
We pull into a rest stop and discover that our medical supplies are spent. Fortunately, the scrapes and cuts are in the same areas and aren’t bleeding heavily. Mostly we need a breather for John to lick his wounds and recover his composure. He’s shaken up, beat mentally and physically as we sit on a bench under the tree eating some instant ramen with the rain drizzling around us.
We’re in the middle of the country road, there’s no turning back now. John knows it. Though shaken up, he wills himself onto the bike and lets Fritz take the lead. Fritz agrees to exaggerate the turns and show him how to properly drive this treacherous road.
Driving behind John, I can tell his only thought is to not fall. Little else can be going to his mind. A few turns later, John pumps the accelerator a little too hard again. I see his handlebars wobble as he attempts to regain control of the bike.
He’s on the ground again.
Approximate distance traveled: 90.5 km.
Accident count: 3
Shaken Up
Through some goading, we manage to get John back on his bike and drive back to the rest stop. It’s not lost to John the dilemma he’s in. Unable to go further, but unable to go back, he’s stuck. Fortunately, the helping nature of the Thai people comes to the rescue. Using Google translate, he’s able to express his dilemma to the Thai shopkeeper who then relays the message to a group of Thai motorcyclists who happen to stop by.
Their English is very proficient and they’re eager to help. While two of them offer to call the rental company to see what can be done, the other half dozen gather around the motorcycle inspecting the motorcycle of its damages. They laugh at the sheer damage to the motorcycle and take particular amusement at the sheared off brake handle.
That rental insurance is looking pretty good now.
The company is able to send a large Van to the rescue at a hefty fee. It’ll take an hour and a half to get here. So, we thank the Thais for their help and do what friends would always do: we leave John at the rest stop to await his ride.
And with that, the Holy Trinity is broken. Our trio has become a duo. The mean streets of Pai have turned an already tricky road into the highway of death.
This is far from an exaggeration as we soon pass an overturned bike along a different curve. Then, while taking another sharp corner, a man jumps from around the corner pleading us to stop. We immediately slam on the brakes and, as we slow, seeing the scene of another grisly accident.
A Thai truck has crashed into the ditch, the windows shattered and the occupants standing to the side with a girl sobbing into a friend’s shoulder. While witnessing this, I unknowingly slide into an oil slick from the accident and get my bike tipped. Fortunately, I’m able to jump off in time with no bodily harm.
Approximate Distance Traveled: 135 km
Accident Count: 4
Weathering the storm
The road has tried to swallow me up as well. Witnessing all of John’s accidents; the car crash and now my own bike tipping. It’s shaken me to the core. My nerves are shot and I’ve begun to fear the highway will now claim me.
As if Pai sensed my fears, the roads begin to open up and the rain stops. Perhaps the road has swallowed its fill of victims for the day. The extreme grade of the road levels out and the scenery transitions from a mountain jungle to large fields of rice paddies. The beauty of this rural mountain village has been our award for braving these roads.
We made it in one piece. At least two of us did.
The other looked like this:
But at least we made it.